The art of talking with boys (not at them)

“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many parents discover that the more direct the questioning, the shorter the answers. It’s not that boys don’t have anything to say – it’s often that they don’t respond well to being put “on the spot”.

Research suggests boys are often less likely to talk openly about worries or emotions, sometimes because they don’t see the value in it, or feel pressure to appear self-reliant. Even from a young age, boys may receive fewer cues or role models for expressing feelings, which can make emotional language harder to access.

As Australian educator and child psychologist Dr Steve Biddulph has long observed, boys don’t lack emotion, they often just need different pathways to express it.

So, what works?

Instead of thinking “How do I get him to talk?”, it can be more helpful to ask, “When does he naturally open up?”

Often, it’s not across the dinner table – it’s:

• in the car
• kicking the footy
• walking the dog
• building something side by side

These moments reduce pressure. Conversation becomes incidental rather than interrogative – and that’s where boys tend to relax.

A few practical tips

• Go side-by-side, not face-to-face
  Eye contact can feel intense. Activity softens it.
• Ditch the rapid-fire questions
  Try comments instead: “That sounded like a big game today.” Then pause.
• Catch the “in-between” moments
  Bedtime, car rides, post-training – when the guard is down.
• Let silence do some work
  Boys often need longer to process. Resist filling the gap.
• Listen without fixing immediately
  Sometimes they’re sharing, not seeking solutions.

A final thought

Boys may not always talk when we want them to – but they will talk when they feel safe, unhurried and not judged. Or, as many parents discover, just when you’re about to turn the car off and head inside.

The goal isn’t more questions.
It’s better conditions for conversation.

 

 

 

 

Brought to you by Brighton Grammar School

This article is about Understanding Boys