Help your son understand his impact – without starting a fight

Raising boys can feel like navigating emotional landmines. Even with the best intentions, it’s easy to set off a defensive or angry reaction. We want to guide our boys to become respectful, emotionally aware young men – but how do we do that without constant conflict? 

Try thinking in terms of three ‘cards’ per week. These are your chances to insist on something important. Use them wisely. Maybe you let the socks on the floor slide, but disrespectful talk is non-negotiable. It’s about choosing your battles and helping boys learn that their actions have consequences. 

Many boys struggle with emotional regulation. This isn’t always their fault – some research shows their brains develop these skills more slowly. Others point to cultural factors: boys are often taught to bottle things up and avoid vulnerability. Add lower literacy levels into the mix, and it’s no wonder some boys simply don’t have the words to express how they feel. 

But boys must learn to manage anger and take responsibility. That’s where the WIN model can help: 

• W – What’s going on? Start with a calm, open question like ‘What’s up?’ 
• I – Impact. Gently guide them to see the consequences: ‘What do you think happens when you do that?’ 
• N – Next step. Ask, ‘What needs to happen now?’ – helping them think forward without shame. 

This simple structure keeps conversations calm, respectful and constructive. It gives your son agency while helping him understand his impact on others. 

Give WIN a try. You might find it defuses tension and opens up better communication for both of you. 

Read an extended version of this article at Helping Boys Think Things Through Before Acting. 

Brought to you by Brighton Grammar School