by Josh Reid Jones

Listening to your son: how to get it right

Listen without judgement

You probably already know how important open communication, building trust and being caring is to your relationship with your son, but did you know that the way in which you ask questions and listen is equally important?

Listening is a pretty intuitive thing to do, especially after asking if someone is OK.

However, listening without judgement is much more challenging.

Often the things that cause teenage boys and young men distress are embarrassing, shocking, unusual, socially unacceptable or simply difficult to talk about. We want our sons to open up, but on the flipside, it can be hard for parents to listen to their son talk about these issues without passing judgement.

Can your son talk to you about bodily functions, accidental stuff ups, drink and drugs, sexual urges and experiences and sources of shame without fear of judgement?

Here’s an example:

“I sent a compromising photo to my ex-girlfriend.”

“Why would you do such a stupid thing?”

This immediate judgement statement is likely to prevent your son from continuing the conversation.

Here’s an alternative response:

“I sent a compromising photo to my ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh my goodness! I wasn’t expecting that! Are you OK?”

You can still be shocked and uncomfortable, and you can express that, but by avoiding the judgement statement, you are encouraging your son to continue to tell his story and discuss how it affected him.

Have a think about what your discomfort and pre-conceived ideas about an issue may be preventing your son from talking about. Be honest. Can your son talk to you about bodily functions, accidental stuff ups, drink and drugs, sexual urges and experiences and sources of shame without fear of judgement?

The other end of the judgement scale is to judge issues as not serious enough to warrant your attention.

“How are you today?”

“Arghhh terrible, I dropped my doughnut on the way into school.”

“Come on mate; is that really a big deal? Don’t you know what’s happening overseas?”

We all know someone who loves a good whinge but our judgement on whether a problem is serious or not can prevent us from seeing when something really is wrong. Without judgement, the same conversation could go two ways:

“How are you today?

“Arghhh terrible, I dropped my doughnut on the way into school.”

“That’s annoying! Are you OK?”

“Yeah Dad, it’s just a doughnut!”

The problem wasn’t a serious one, and he was just having a little morning whinge. Fine.

However, the conversation could have gone a little differently:

“How are you today?

“Arghhhh terrible, I dropped my doughnut on the way into school.”

“That’s annoying! Are you OK?”

“Not really Dad, it just feels like this is the millionth thing to go wrong this week.”

The doughnut could be the straw that broke the camel’s back. By listening without judgement, you provide an opportunity to have the real issues come to the surface so your son can be heard.

My last piece of advice is about taking the time to understand what upset the person about the story they are telling. Hint: it isn’t always that obvious.

“How are you today?”

“I’m not amazing, I had a fight with my best mate at the party last night.”

“You had a fight with James?”

“Yeah”

“Oh, I’m sorry that happened. I used to fight with my best mate too and I know how bad that can feel.”

What’s wrong with that? Summary, paying attention, relating to the complaints of your son. It’s good right?

It’s not bad, but it could be better.

“How are you today?”

“I’m not amazing, I had a fight with my best mate at the party last night.”

“You had a fight with James?”

“Yeah”

“What upset you the most about that? Are you OK?”

“Yeah I’m fine, we argue all the time. It’s just how we are. I’m more upset because he was trying to get this girl drunk and I don’t know how to get it through his head that that’s not OK.”

In the first example, the parent assumed what upset his son based on his own experiences. Turns out, the son wasn’t upset by the fighting, rather his mate’s behaviour towards someone else and how he can confront him. By taking the time to work out why your son is upset by particular circumstances, you can better help him through it.

Understanding boys is an active process. It requires an open mind and open ears. Keep checking in, keep listening and be wary of behaviours, statements and stigmas that prevent him, and you, from opening up.

Josh Reid Jones will be speaking at the Victorian Parents Council’s Annual Seminar, Mental health and wellbeing in the digital age, held at Brighton Grammar School on Friday 1 September. Click here to find out more.

 

Brought to you by Brighton Grammar School

 

Josh Reid Jones is a speaker, educator and the founder of the Just Be Nice Project. Find him at www.jbnproject.com and www.joshreidjones.com. This article is about